Medical Funnies

These will put a smile on your face!

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald ,
San Francisco

2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,'. .. . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . .replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes ,
Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications..' Which one ?'. ... . I asked. 'The patch...The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair ,
Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . ' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?' ' It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. ... . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf ,
Detroit ,

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered .

. . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the
operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name,

AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .
' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .

' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .. ' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener .' '

Dr. wouldn't submit his name....

1 MORE

Baby's First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud. I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied..

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,

But I'm glad I came.

A Wonderful Rainy night

I really love the rain. It's so soothing! Tonight, I'm listening to the rain on the roof, sipping on a nice cup of tea and candles are flickering around the room. I'm listening to internet radio and just enjoying my evening. I'm learning about blogging as I'm doing mine. I've made a few mistakes, thank goodness for the "edit" feature.

Thank you and a big (((hug))) to my followers. I don't know how often you get notices about my new posts, so please forgive me for all the changes on my blog tonight...your e-mail is probably bombarded. I really appreciate your support and good thoughts as I'm figuring this all out. It's hard to put all my thoughts out there for all to read. In my head, I want to talk to each of you like you are in the same room with me. Sharing jokes, telling about products that I love and giving some tips on things that work for me. These days we all want to stretch a buck and times are very hard for many. If I can save you some money, throw a trick or two your way, make you smile, then I've done my job.

Tonight before you go to bed, please pray for those less fortunate and always be thankful for what you have. A little tip from me to you, when you have a bad day, try not to think about the bad things, start thinking of what you are grateful for. Big things or little things. I know it's really hard, but take a deep breath and think or write about what you are grateful for today. Can't think of anything??? How about this...Are you healthy? Do you have good friends? Do you have a job? Do you live in a safe place? Do you have food to eat, heat for your home, a comfortable bed to sleep in? Well these are a few things I thought of off the top of my head. Today, I'm thankful for my home and family and that I have a good sense of humor to get through it all. For me, just straining my brain to think of all the good things that I have blessed with usually gets me out of my funk. Try it! Make a game of it and the bad things just seem to melt away.